Untethered…

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I write truth. When I started this blog, I thought I could be bubbly, happy and inspirational for you no matter what, but I can’t. Just the way that I could never hang with the bubble-headed girls, constantly fixated on their manicures, spreading rumors about others outside their circle, and eating so little I thought I’d faint from merely watching them in college. I like truth. In people. In me. In those I love. I expect truth, too.

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Just like the first pic, life has been rather bleak for me, and I didn’t want to write from a dark place, but I finally decided that if I could write truth, maybe you’d be okay with it; maybe it would resonate with you even more. Because if I can’t find beauty on some days or even for a whole month, I know that one day I will. I know life’s going to get better. Slowly maybe, but life is a gift and I see that now. I tell the twenty-somethings to not kill themselves; to stay here and wait, even though the waiting for better is dark, bleak, dull and infinitely sad.

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In the middle of my anxiety ridden days and endless sleepless nights, I didn’t see anything but bad, except this time, I remembered my daughter is expecting a baby in a month. I went through depression in one of my three pregnancies, with postpartum depression descending upon me for two of those pregnancies, but I am so glad I stayed here and walked the paths at dusk. I have three very unique and interesting kids, and I like them all, different as they are. And I’m married to a man committed to walking with me in truth. We’re not fake with one another. Not anymore.

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What caused this fall, this tumble into semi-darkness where the familiar became unknown and my steps were haunted by the memory of another? I cannot tell. That’s someone else’s story and I play but a part, but I can say this. Holding someone up so high in your eyes and your esteem will only result in a crash. An earthquake violent enough to shake your world, wide awake.

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I’ve been feeling untethered. Shaken. Scared and tired. My foundation has been shaken, but not my faith. See, I follow a guy named Jesus, and based on what he says, he’s got my back no matter what. He’s supposed to be my rock, but I didn’t quite do that. I have an annoying habit of making other people my Jesus. Unintentional, yes, but a bad idea, nonetheless. And God has a way of pulling down anything that could stand in the way of Jesus being my foundation. So discovering that the people I idolize are capable of disappointing me or not thinking of me first, causes me to walk with my eyes downcast, not seeing much except a few steps in front of me. And then I hand myself over to God. I surrender. He becomes more of my rock, though I think this is a lifelong task.

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I’m not going to lie and say my days are rocked with sunshine and I feel like singing from a hilltop. No. I feel the antidepressant working but it doesn’t touch that core of hurt. It never does. So what’s beautiful when your world is tinged with grey? Knowing the family will be together for Thanksgiving. Hearing music that brings me to my knees in anguish and relief. Starbucks, oh come on, you knew that was coming! My husband and kids bring me offerings of Starbucks tea and I see light. Happiness? She’s a ways off, but this life is rich and worth living. I’m inspired by those who give. Stories of people being kind lifts my eyes up for a while. I try in my own way to give.

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Tipping at the car wash or coffee shop every single time. Stuffing money into the hands of the street people who call the outside their home. Giving money to the disabled in Romania, because they are treated worse than dogs.

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I hope you’ll stay with me while I gain ground, sort through this latest earthquake in my life, and begin my somewhat faltering steps back to beauty and sunshine, and happiness at waking up to another day. Stay here. Even though my days are subsumed with winter and long nights and cold. Even when sweaters and blankets piled on do not quell the cold inside me. We’ll walk through this life together and claim beauty and laughter and happiness…again. Please stay…

Terrible truths and beautiful lies…

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Looks lovely, doesn’t it? Almost like a beach view room somewhere Southern and much warmer than the cold waters of Lake Michigan in Wisconsin. This trip had been planned for two months and I enjoyed the first part, but somewhere during the middle of our stay, my world crashed in and I fled for the safety and comfort of home. The pics I took show my feelings as my world unraveled. This first picture is warm, happy and full of hope.

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In the early afternoon of the second day, we drove around and the sky and trees mesmerized me. Wiscosnin in mid-October is a flirt and not afraid to show her true colors. We passed so many farms, with the crops harvested long ago, leaving the corn to rustle restlessly in the wind, while the sun decided to hide. Moody. Stormy? Possibly.

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My husband and I drove around a bit, chasing autumn and drinking in old memories. The afternoon was about to split open, but we enjoyed our time and stopped at a beautiful market. We filled our drive with laughter and songs. And one last Starbucks before I lost the taste for tea or food, really. While I’m not going to spill my secrets here, look at the pictures and you’ll feel what happened.

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Someone I know chose to keep their own secrets and the pain it caused was something I haven’t felt in years. As their story slowly poured out, over hours, I had to be alone and walk paths where my head could wrap itself around a new truth. I’m thankful for truths. They’re beautiful. I decided to skip the family dinner and headed outside for fresh air and a new perspective.

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As dusk settled lightly around me, I found a wooden path and wandered, alone on a bluff. The chill of night had arrived but I felt hot and stifled in the too warm room and drank in the coolness bringing clarity and sharpness to my day. To revelations that, once out, had to be faced. But the truth, revealed, fully and irrevocably, is a gift.

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In the middle of your pain, whether it’s physical or emotional, can you find a piece of beauty? The pictures speak. I know, I took them too late in the evening, but the sun keeps slipping lower on the horizon each day as we inch toward winter. No one walked my paths. I moved slowly and watched the beauty of a lake and sky almost perfectly matched. The color blue imbued everything. Including my mood.

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The small sounds of gentle waves slapping the rocks lulled me slightly. Do you do that? When something is troubling, do you head outside and look for a respite? Instead of grabbing a cigarette or another drink, heading outdoors is the better choice. While I turned truths and lies around in my head, night fell upon my shoulders. I carried night with me.

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I finally headed back to the hotel. A sleepless night welcomed me. And then my husband decided I had experienced enough pain on this trip and it was time to head home. Days earlier than planned, but sometimes he knows what’s best before I do. I’m here at home now. Still figuring out why lies came my way. Still processing the truths. And I’m hopeful for my family. That we will get past this, and maybe we all learned truth-telling is always best. I think that’s the beauty I’m carrying forward. The person who hurt me with lies, is saddened, as am I, but the path ahead is clear. I can see it now, even when things are almost dark and dusky.

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I took this today. The trees are showing their true colors after a summer full of green. The clarity of this photo exemplifies my feelings. I’m ready to tackle this problem. I see where I’m going, and with a husband who has always been my best friend, I feel like we can face the world together. Whatever comes our way, or even just my way, the two of us can handle. And I think that’s pretty beautiful.