Writing is a lonely business and I never was an introvert. Having lupus has made me one, but you can see I managed to host a dinner last weekend. I didn’t feel lonely all this week, remembering the deep conversations around candlelight, flowers and food, while I had the windows open and we listened to the rain fall. Cozy, right? But I’ve had my share of loneliness. You? I think it might be a common thread among more of us than we think.
Social media has a way of making me feel lonely. How? Well, I don’t like playing the game of “look at the wonderful things I’m doing…I’m busy, important and having a ton of fun”. I feel like my life isn’t as wonderful. I compare. I have FOMO. Hey, if you’re having a ton of fun, enjoy it live. Let me explain. Once this dinner began with guests arriving, I no longer thought about taking pictures. I was in the moment. And I’ve always preferred experiencing the actual moment rather than taking a picture of that moment. If you don’t post every experience you’re having, I’m sure you’re fine posting a great moment in your life. Just not the perpetual posters. On Insta, Snap, FB…
Social media is something I did initially with enthusiasm, until I saw the kids on the side, not picked. Not playing. Not at the “neighborhood” party. Not at the card game all their friends were at. Not chosen. Not included. Not.
It’s like playing dodgeball in gym and getting picked last. Not fun. And if you think I’m trying to stay off social media for that reason, you’re right. Because on my sick days, I will always cheer for the new babies, engagements and birthdays, but I choose not to see two things. The perennial whiners. And the constant posers, enjoying life at every turn. Because I don’t buy it. Nothing is that fabulous. Life has its ups and downs. But I’m not here to just talk social media (except the more you engage with it, the lonelier you feel…truth…studies have attested to it).
I’m here to address a lonely world. We live in it. Do I know lonely? Try being bullied in fifth and sixth grade so badly that I switched schools in October of seventh grade. Loved the new school. New kid? Who cared! I was happy with the bigger school and made friends who didn’t mock me. Lonely? Moving before sophomore year and not having anyone to each lunch with, so I played piano in an empty practice room. Because no one wanted to eat with the new girl. Lonely? My kid sat and watched all her friends eat pizza brought in by one parent, only to be told by her “friend” group that she wasn’t included in the birthday pizza party, and it wasn’t a question of money. Not this school.
And while I show you the pics of this week that made my heart sing… back to loneliness. I can’t address bullies this time. But they are out there. If you are one, stop it. Just stop. If you’re being bullied, stay OFF social media. And find new friends. Or play piano until you do find the real cool people. Because your people, the ones who are like you, who get your humor, who’ve got your back, are cool.
There are so many ways around loneliness. Why do you think I go to Starbucks? I want to go to a place where I can have a quick but meaningful encounter with another human, and get my drink. And Starbucks is closest, and now I know people at Starbucks all over this city, because of promotions and moves etc. Before lupus, pilates class was my meaningful encounter. It can be an hour of pain or five minutes of bliss, pick your moment. You? Join a book club. Bike group. Take a class. If you work, that might be about all you want to do, except the world doesn’t get the honor of knowing you the way they could…if you went into a coffee place with a smile. Or even the grocery store.
(Doesn’t match, I know, but I did ivory chair thing and they wound up not so ivory.) Back to letting the world see you and love you. If you bring something positive to the table almost every time you go somewhere, you will have a very lovely life. I told you I go through the stores with a slight smile on my face (I might look like a lunatic, but at least I’m happy, people might say), and people smile at me! Lots of people! Young ladies, go meet the man of your dreams in the frozen food aisle, because they’re there. And if you smile, they will see you! Back to belonging…to being in this life.
Show up to life and smile at it. I have been in such pain from the age of nineteen, that I can have a migraine and not bat an eyelash. Have one right now. Can’t wait to go read Harry Potter again. Try not to whine. Try to be a happy person. It is a choice. Yes! This week I went in to my Starbucks and smiled as I approached one of “my people” there and she was shaking like a leaf and said, “Thank God, it’s you.” She quivered. A customer had tore into the store, yelling (the oldest person working was like 21), because someone in the drive-through had paid for his order. He demanded they throw away his first order and he would pay for his own (put in lots of swear words at a scream and you have the idea). This girl, paid very little, bore the brunt of someone’s very misplaced anger, because someone did him a kindness. Can you imagine being upset at someone being nice to you?
Be kind. And if someone is kind to you, accept it…graciously. Be kind, good, gentle, and graceful. Go find people. It’s what I did in 10th grade after too many piano sessions alone. Host dinner at your house. You want to know how I made friends here in Cincinnati? I hosted a coffee for my neighbors. Yup. Had them over and made all sorts of great friends. And in Waukesha (try saying it!) when I moved there as an adult? I saw two ladies walking by with their kids and I tore out of my house, six months pregnant, just breathlessly yelling at them to come on over. One of them is my best friend to this day.
Go out there and make the world a better place. One person at a time. This world needs you. You can carry your loneliness, but drop it at the door and run after someone…wait, no, I wouldn’t do that. Could get you into trouble. Start small. Join a group of people, doing something. Or just smile, while you walk through that grocery store. Have a very smiley week…
Until next time…